Following December 22nd our days begin to lengthen into spring as planet earth experiences a "rebirth." Whether celebrating Hanukah, Christmas or Winter Solstice, the year's end is a sacred time of ceremony, ritual and traditions.

When my daughter Isabel was four, a tradition at our house was to read and reread her favorite book of the season, The Berenstein Bears Meet Santa Bear. Isabel quickly memorized Sister Bear's wish list for Santa, and she'd chime in as I read it aloud to her at bedtime. "Dear Santa, please send me: a happy pink pony, a clown mobile, giggly goo, a bubble pipe, a birthstone ring," and on it goes. In fact, the list is so long, Sister Bear has to scotch tape eight sheets of paper together to get everything in!

For many children the winter holidays mean just one thing: acquiring more stuff. As parents trying to change this perspective, we find ourselves controlled by unconscious gift giving rules. These "hidden rules" serve to keep the tradition elaborate and expensive.

How many of these beliefs have a hold on you?

• Gifts that I give my children should be equal in number and monetary value, while at the same time suiting the unique qualities of each child.
• I have to buy my kids the "in" toy of the season, which means high demand and short supply. Examples from holidays past include Cabbage Patch Kids and Tickle-Me-Elmo.
• I must have a drawer full of "extra gifts" in case I receive one from someone I wasn't expecting.

It's no wonder we've squeezed the joy out of gift giving!

Think back to a holiday past and a gift you received that was special to you. I'd be willing to bet that it holds a place in your heart because someone shared in a personal way with you.

My most memorable gift was a sled my grandfather made for me when I was eight. He designed the sled himself and made it in his basement workshop.

The sled was really just a little box on runners. It in no way matched the splendor of the shiny red one I had my eye on in the Penney's catalogue. But how I loved that sled. And those Saturday afternoons when my grandfather shooed me out of his workshop made it just that much more special when the day finally arrived and I unwrapped it.

Simplify Gift Giving

How can we simplify gift giving and make holidays more meaningful for our children? Here are a few suggestions:

• Put the names of family members in a hat and draw the name of just one person to buy or make a gift for. Be sure to set a price limit for this gift.
• Keep gift giving to young children only.
• Take a family trip in lieu of exchanging gifts.
• To make room for gifts they will receive, ask your children to go through their toy boxes and shelves and choose some toys and games they no longer play with to pass on to other children.

Shared Activities

Put the focus of the holiday on doing and sharing rather than on spending.

• Jointly as a family take on a community project such as sponsoring a family in need in your community and provide gifts and food for them.
• Serve a holiday meal together at a shelter for the homeless.
• Invite a serviceman stationed away from home into your home to share a meal.
• As a family attend a holiday service very different from your usual one.
• Think about how you can share the good will of the season on your block perhaps by shoveling snow from a neighbor's driveway or by helping an elderly neighbor address her holiday cards.
• Start a family tradition of attending The Nutcracker or doing something so simple as driving around the neighborhood together looking at lights.

How to Handle Grandparents

For many families who've had the courage to limit gift giving themselves, they must deal with grandparents who insist on showering their grandchildren with gifts. What can you do?

• Months before the holidays suggest that they limit their gift giving to two or three items per child.
• Recommend that grandparents spend a day with each grandchild taking them somewhere special such as the zoo, lunch or a movie in place of a gift.
• Put the gifts away and open them later in the year on a special occasion like acing a spelling test.

Holidays become meaningful for children when they are a warm and close family celebration. Our children will recall happy times shared with the people who love them, and they will fondly remember the gifts chosen especially for them.