With the country reeling from outbreaks of violence in our schools, parents struggle with how to teach children to be peacemakers. A giant step in that direction would be for our children to learn to cooperate, rather than compete with one another.

Unfortunately, American society seems bent on competition. We praise competition and encourage it among our children as early as the preschool years. Why else would we choose "the best" Halloween costume at a party for four-year-olds, give stickers only to the kindergarteners who can print their names or single out a winner in a game of hopscotch.

The Dangers of Competition

Built into every competitive situation a child enters into is the grim reality, "if he or she wins, I lose." Alfie Kohn in his book, No Contest: the Case Against Competition, insists that to speak of "healthy competition" is a contradiction in terms. Not only is competition unhealthy for children, as we shall see, it harbors many dangers.

Children with no hope of winning a spelling bee or landing a role in the school play or hitting a home run in a softball game lose confidence in themselves and give up trying. Loss of self-esteem leads to an unwillingness to take chances and risk further failure. These are the kids who disappear onto the sidelines or into television addiction. They are also the ones who eat too much or eat too little to sustain life.

There is a big difference between trying to do well and trying to do better than someone else. Competition can produce inhibiting levels of anxiety. Children who excel at debate or win prizes at a music competition, for example, often do so because they have the temperament to withstand the pressure of the event, rather than the talent to win. The artistic, sensitive child may be undone by the stress of competition.

Kohn cites research which shows that children taking art classes who compete for prizes display less creativity than those who do not compete. No doubt it's because these children take fewer risks, as they go about producing artwork that they hope will please the judges rather than please themselves.

Competition is a "sacred cow" in our society. We cling to the belief that it builds character when, in fact, there is evidence that what it builds is resentments. The children who grow angry and depressed are the ones who face a spanking when they trudge home with a less than desirable report card or who fail to get a ribbon on their science project. These are the very children who are in danger of acting out their resentments, possibly even to the point of violence.

What Parents Can Do

Beginning in the preschool years promote win/win games and situations. For example, in Monopoly every player who makes it around the board wins $200. Rewrite the rules to other favorite childhood games so that everyone wins.

Encourage your child to be involved in community projects, such as a neighborhood clean up or collecting groceries for a food bank, which reward cooperation.

Praise children for being themselves ("you're a great kid" or "I'm so proud of you") rather than for a particular accomplishment.

What Teachers Can Do

Teach the "the new basics," the skills children need to succeed in the twenty-first century. These are outlined by Naomi Drew in her book, The Peaceful Classroom, and include: respect for self and others, the ability to work cooperatively, anger management skills and an understanding that violence in any form is unacceptable.

De-emphasize gold stars, blue ribbons and grades. Emphasize self-knowledge, empathy for others and the joy of learning.

Start your classroom day with a pledge that affirms your philosophy. Drew tells of a class of 10-year-olds who came up this one: "We pledge to be peacemakers at all times, to treat others with respect and to live by the Golden Rule."

Cooperative learning underpins peacemaking. If we continue to champion only competition, we will never be successful in teaching our children to be peacemakers. As a society, we must realize that we can't have one if we insist on having the other.

• Alfie Kohn, No Contest: The Case Against Competition (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1986).
• Naomi Drew, The Peaceful Classroom in Action (Torrance, CA: Jalmar Press, 1999).